A Day in the Mind of Me

I am conflicted; yet do not know if my confliction is justified. Then why do I feel the way I do?

I know I have made errors and will continue to do so, but to err is human.

When I think of the problem in my life, I realize that the problems I face are wonderful problems.

Let me begin:

I have nearly been kicked out of school program and lost my job, twice. But, it is only because I have made it as far as I have, academically, that I have been able to err in this way. Working towards a Masters degree is a blessing not a curse!

I was two weeks late in sending close friend a gift for their Bat Mitzvah. But, it is only because I have made such wonderful friends in the Jewish community that I am able to err in this way. The friends I have are blessings not curses!

I upset colleagues, friends and room mates around me on a daily/weekly basis. But, it is only because I am lucky enough to have such people in my life. These people are all blessings not curses!

I have the most amazing girlfriend, who is more that 7,100 miles away from me, that I am unable to see or touch whenever I want. But, it is only because I went to the best Jew-camp in Texas (Greene Family Camp) that I was able to meet her. She is a blessing not a curse!

I have parents who I love that have, questionably, terminal illnesses. But, it is only because I have the loving parents I do. My parents are blessings not curses!

Computers that won’t compute, toys that are no fun, tools that break, clothing that wears, cars that cost money, houses which require upkeep…all of these things are the “extras” in life and are not needed. However, they are apart of my world and make up who I have become. Why are these “extras” so weighed down with unforeseen problems?

I know that there is no one else who is responsible for my actions. This being said, why do I find myself in these positions? Why do I turn these blessings into curses? Why have I not yet learned from my mistakes? Or have I? Is this why I am able to recognize the errors of my ways? Perhaps.

I would love nothing more that to do everything in my power to remedy these situations and to prevent them from ever happening again. Am I capable of doing such? Or, will I always make mistakes I will regret? If I am to make mistakes for the rest of my life that I will regret, how may I better live with myself? How may I better understand my own actions? Are there underlying motivations to my ways that even I have not yet discovered? If so, are they for good or bad?

If only someone could answer these questions for me!

I am willing to recognize that it is only I who is capable of answering these questions for me. But when, Ted, when will you answer (for) yourself?

I am such a fortunate individual to find myself in this situation. I would not take back any moment of my life; ever. I want to continue living the life I have been granted. I do not want to stop living for the life I have ahead of myself. I do not know will happen next, and that frightens and excites me, equally, and at the same time.

I strive to be different, just as everyone does. I want to be great, and feel in some ways I already am. I want to change the world, and I know that through my existence I already have. But why? Why is life so hard?

I have been told by people wiser that me that, “The great things in life don’t come cheap.” Perhaps this “cost” they were referring to is confusion, misery, mystery or unanswerable questions. Oh, what torment!

Through all of my conflicts, justified or not, I have found only one universal truth; by exploring my own personal needs, desires and fears I am able to feel better about myself. I am able reflect upon my own life, learn from the world around me and grow into a more effective human being and enjoy every last bit of it.

Regardless of everything; I am myself and nothing can take that from me.

This is a fact.

This is what I live for.

This is what I love.

This is life.